A couple weeks ago, I shared my first post which talked about how embracing vulnerability has started to positively impact parts of my life. What I didn’t share was how many weeks I spent writing and rewriting that post. And then how many more days I spent trying to come up with the perfect name for this blog.
The reason wasn’t because I was confused about what I wanted to say or the ideas I wanted to share. On the contrary, those were completely obvious to me. Instead, the reason getting this out into the world become an agonizing, weeks-long process, is because I became obsessed with the outcome.
Who would read this? What would be the best way to attract new subscribers? Would anybody even care? Maybe if I phrased that sentence slightly differently, it would resonate with readers more deeply.
I was totally consumed by the future state of something I hadn’t even put into the world yet. And that precluded be from enjoying the process of what I was creating. It didn’t allow me to embrace any of the messiness, imperfection or uncertainty that was supposed to come along with the journey to get to a desired destination (in this case, launching a deeply personal blog).
In the end, that experience led me to realize what I actually wanted to title this blog: a work in progress. It’s a nod to loosening our grip on the endpoint we are all in a race to get to, and learning to embrace the magic of the journey to get there.
An addiction to outcomes
Before diving in, let’s consider broader societal context — what we’ve been taught and how we’ve been conditioned. I often find this helpful to consider the why behind it all.
We are living in a society that is radically focused on outcomes. From the youngest of ages, we were thrusted into a system that taught us the importance of getting good grades, to eventually get into a good college, to eventually get a good job, to make money, achieve status, yada yada yada.
To be clear, there’s nothing wrong with achieving these things, per se. But it’s worth calling attention to the fact that from our earliest and most impressionable moments, when we were quite literally beginning to understand the world around us, we were fed a heavy diet of “your worth will be determined by the things you are able to accomplish.”
Most of us have spent decades since traversing this slippery slope.
The journey is overlooked
In all the thousands of hours I spent studying over the years, in the pursuit of getting good grades, I don’t ever remember anybody ever pointing out the fortitude, the focus, the mental discipline that was being built along the way.
When faced with the daunting task of finding that first job out of college, and then the eventual ongoing journey of navigating tricky career decisions — I don’t remember being taught the value of embracing the uncertainty. There was far more readily available advice around how to find “the right job,” then there was about realizing how much growth was happening along the way.
I write this piece from a new home I moved into a few days ago, and as I reflect back upon the process, the same story holds true. Finding your first home should be a beautiful experience filled with so much hope and magic; yet for most of us, it inevitably turns into a mechanical (and stressful) process full of endless to-dos we must conquer in order to get to the finish line.
In all of these examples, and in thousands of others, the same fundamental concept holds true. Our energy and attention is unconsciously directed to the finish line as we race towards achieving some external outcome. In doing so, we sadly (and unknowingly) overlook the growth and adventure and wisdom that exists in the journey to get there.
There is no endpoint
How many times in your life have you reached the finish line, rejoiced, and said to yourself “Ah, I’m done. I am totally and completely satisfied. I can sit back, relax and enjoy the rest of my days.”
For 99% of us, the answer is never.
The reason is because there is no actual endpoint. The outcomes we are obsessed with bringing about are transient. They come and go.
In a lot of ways, they are a mirage — illusions we anchor our attention to in order to give ourselves purpose, and a way to fill the hours in the day.
Again — the point here isn’t that it’s bad to pursue things that feel important to you. If you have a job you enjoy or a home that you love — these are beautiful things. The point, instead, is that there will always be the next summit we are trying to reach, and so there’s real value in becoming more present to the climb to get there.
A consistent blueprint for anxiety
Another thing I’ve noticed about this framework of chasing outcomes, is that it’s a pretty sure way to live in a state of perpetual discomfort. For some of us, that may be a heavy dose of anxiety; for others, it may be a more subtle sense of friction. But for most of us, I think it’s there.
Why?
Because the fundamental premise of focusing so much of our attention on getting to a certain outcome, often implies that until we’ve gotten there, we aren’t there yet. Yes, you read that right.
We feel lack. Scarcity. We don’t yet have the thing we think we are supposed to have. And that creates discomfort. Even worse, we often don’t know when or how we will get to that outcome — an uncertainty that piles onto the anxiety of it all.
And the cherry on top — if and when we do finally get to that destination we thought we so badly wanted — it’s only a matter of time before the payoff dissipates and we quickly turn our attention to the next rung on the ladder we need to get to.
Embracing the work in progress
None of this is meant to sound doom and gloom. It’s really just an honest assessment of where we spend a lot of our time and the ways in which this can be really counterproductive to our happiness and wellbeing.
But the amazing news is this: we can start to shift the way we think about expending our energy. Just because we were conditioned to believe that the endpoint is all that matters, doesn’t mean we can’t start to become more intentional about what’s happening along the journey to get there.
The reason I entitled this blog a work in progress is because it encapsulates such a broad, yet acutely important idea. That all of this — literally all of it — is just a journey that is unfolding. Rather than trying to so tightly control that journey and direct it to a singular destination that we think is so important to get to, what if we become slightly more present about what was happening right here, right now, along the way to get there?
What if instead of obsessing with how quickly we can get from point A to point B, and feeling totally shitty about the fact we aren’t at point B yet, we started to realize that not fully being there yet is actually the whole point!
Here’s what I’ve found
I remind myself daily that not being fully there yet is kind of the whole point. And that almost everything I’m trying to manifest (from my career, to this blog, to my own personal growth) is all just a work in progress.
I’d be lying if I told you that integrating this truth into my practice has changed everything. That I no longer care about bringing about outcomes that feel important to me, or that I no longer stress about how or when I’ll get there. I do, very much.
But what embracing more of the “work in progress mentality” has offered me is quick relief from the stress and anxiety of it all. A north star to come back to. A tool to become grounded in the present, rather than staying suspended in the anxiety of some future outcome.
Here are a couple ways I’ve tried to bring this into practice, followed by what I’ve noticed as a result.
Practices & Tools
Meditation: as part of daily reflection, I try to spend at least 10-15 minutes with the “work in progress philosophy.” I sit with the things that I feel anxious or stressed about — which are usually outcomes I want but aren’t here yet — and I try to focus on exactly where I am in that journey, right here, right now. This allows me to slow down from trying to think 20 steps ahead of how I can bring some future outcome about, and become more present on what the journey to get there is offering me in this exact moment.
Reactive Reminders: meditation (or whatever kind of reflection works for you) is great. But it’s just a practice. The tough moments come about when we’re on the field — and that’s when the practice is tested. Throughout the day, whenever I feel my conditioning kicking in and telling me I need to be focused on some future thing I want to achieve, I try to pause, close my eyes, take a few deep breaths and remind myself that this very moment is exactly where I am supposed to be — and that’s it totally okay that I’m not at the finish line yet.
How it’s helped
Anxiety Relief: A lot of our anxiety stems from something we want but don’t yet have. The above practices, and reminding our systems that it’s totally okay that we aren’t there yet, starts to build real muscle around embracing the present and becoming less obsessed with the future. This in turn can start to meaningfully relieve the stress and anxiety that stems from a lot of our future-planning.
Growth Awareness: A work in progress isn’t just about diverting our attention from the future, but equally about focusing it on the present. What I can promise you, is that whatever journey you are on, you are growing. Usually in more ways than one. But awareness of growth is important. It allows us perspective; to better understand ourselves; and most importantly, it feels good to see that we’re evolving. When we are singularly focused on the future, we don’t see the growth unfolding here and now. But when we become aware of the journey we are working through, we can more easily see the ways in which we are growing an changing.
Embracing Imperfection: For me, especially as a creator, being outcome-obsessed has emboldened the perfectionist in me. Using this blog as an example again, I wanted everything to be just perfect, to maximize the chances of having a good outcome. Naturally, this precluded me from embracing any of the messiness, any of the imperfection, which quickly started to not feel good. We, like everything in nature, are imperfect — not allowing space for that creates real friction. The more I remind my system that I, and all my pursuits, are just a work in progress, the less pressure I feel for them to be perfect and the more I feel comfortable embracing some of the messy authenticity of it all.
Better Planning: if I haven’t sold you on any of the above, and you still feel drawn to focus on accomplishing future outcomes, then here’s your selling point. Becoming more focused on today’s journey allows you to see where you are in that journey more clearly. When we focus too much attention on too many steps ahead, we get lost. Our ability to develop a tactical plan of how to get there diminishes. But if you sit, close your eyes, and spend 10 minutes closely examining exactly where you are today (with acceptance and compassion), you will find yourself in an infinitely clearer position to map out the best next steps to get you where you want to go.
A closing note
If you’ve made it this far, I’m grateful.
I hope you are inspired to explore the parts of your life that are a work in progress, and how that realization might bring you real comfort and support.
As part of my next chapter, I’m called to help guide + coach others through some of life’s uncertainty. If you’re navigating a tough stretch, not feeling balanced or just feeling a little bit lost — you’re not alone — feel free to drop a line.
Rooting for you in a big way. And remember, we’re all just a work in progress.
With Love,
JK